The Ugly Duckling Confessional
by Rein Stardust
Summary: Faye's letter to a man 6 feet under...ooooo, weird! please r&r!! i'll love you forever if you do!!!!!


okay, this is my very first fanfic, so please r&r!!!! i really do hope you enjoy!!! oh yeah, i do not claim to own cowboy bebop. aw darn.  
  
  
  
- Memories are just where you laid them  
  
- Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead  
  
- What did you expect to find  
  
- Was there something you left behind  
  
- Don't you remember anything I said when I said  
  
  
  
- Don't fall away  
  
- And leave me to myself  
  
- Don't fall away  
  
- And leave love bleeding in my hands  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I can't believe I'm doing this, Spike. I'm writing a letter to a dead man. Yes you; the dead man. I figured the only way I'd ever begin to get through this was to confront you and fortunately for you, this is the closest I can get.  
  
  
  
Things just aren't the same around here without you. I have no one to tease! I guess I could tease Jet, but that wouldn't be any fun. Speaking of Jet, the first thing I expected him to do when we found out about your…uhhh…passing, was to kick me out on my ass. You wanna know what he did? Okay, I was sitting on the couch trying to drown my sorrows in a cigarette when Jet comes in the room. I expected him to walk right past me, but instead he stopped right behind me and like a robot, patted me on the head and said in a flat tone, "We're going to get through this, Faye." He was acting like a piece of pathetically built machinery programmed to be my father. To tell you the truth, I scared me. Oh, and you wanna know what else he did? Well, I was going to see how he was holding up and figured he was playing with those stupid trees of his. I was right. I found him talking to one little tree in particular, and for some reason or other, was kept neater than all the other bonsai. I heard him call it Spike, weirdo…anyway, at first he was talking as if carrying on normal conversation, but then he started yelling at it, screaming something about cigarettes, food, and friendship. All that yelling preceded a maniacal butchering of the poor thing, followed by Jet chucking the pruners across the room and throwing his head in his hands. Spike, you're so lucky you're not a tree.  
  
  
  
What did you expect to find, Spike? When you went to kill Vicious? Release? Redemption? Revenge? Wait a minute, I remember perfectly. You went to find out if you were really ever alive. Well, you found out, you selfish bastard. Hell, maybe I'm the selfish one because I'll never understand what the hell was going through your head nor will I ever try. Hmmmm…no, you're the selfish bastard.  
  
  
  
Do you have any idea how much of an idiot I felt like firing those shots wildly into the air while you calmly walked away? Do you know how much it hurt to realize that in the end you would chose your dead girlfriend over everything you had here? Technically, you didn't have much, but you had friends Spike. People who cared about you and didn't want you to die. But see, Spike, that's why I'm better than you. That's why I'll always be better than you. I thought of killing myself many times after you left knowing you were never coming back, but what the hell would that prove? That I was a selfish bastard just like you? See, I know there are people who care about me, they number in few, but they are there. I know you don't call what you did suicide, but in all reality, that's what it was. Some people aren't in their right mind when they lose someone they love. But the sad thing is, Spike, when you did what you did, you were every bit in your right mind.  
  
  
  
Did you know that I loved you? And for the longest time, I thought I was in love with you. Then I realized after a while that Julia filled a place in your heart that I would never even begin to fill. I also realized that even if you did live, you probably never would have been able to love again. But I still loved you as a comrade and a friend.  
  
  
  
Do you want to know how I view Julia? Probably not, but I'll tell you anyway. Julia was like a cigarette. Yeah you heard me, a cigarette. You craved Julia, just like one craves a cigarette when they're addicted. But oh the calmness and relief it brings when you suck in that sweet smoke. If you don't quit smoking, them cigs will eventually kill you. Julia was the cigarette and Vicious was the cancer. You were addicted to her Spike, just like those damn cigarettes. You never bothered to let go of the past, never bothered to quit. The only difference between her and that cigarette, was Julia didn't come with a warning label. Spike, I'm never gonna smoke again, as I suddenly find cigarettes very disgusting.  
  
  
  
I miss you Spike. Jet misses you, although he'd never outwardly admit it.  
  
I'm saying all this as if you were still alive, stupid huh? I know you never viewed me as more than a greedy little whore who knows how to use a gun, but I don't care. Spike, I don't care! Do you hear me dammit? After I'm through writing this letter, I'm never gonna think about your stupid, goofy grin ever again. Never. I hope you're in hell right now so you can feel the pain I felt when you left, the pain I feel now. I really hope you'll be able to see the watermarks from the salty tears I've left all over these pages. I want you to feel every tear I've ever cried for you, I want them to burn holes in your ugly soul. Yes Spike, I called your soul ugly.  
  
  
  
If words could describe all the pain and hurt I feel inside, you'd be lucky you're already dead. You know, I wouldn't be the least surprised if everything I have said has absolutely no effect on you. Like I said, I don't care. I'm doing this for my sake. When I take this to your grave, do you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take my pistol and I'm going to fire exactly 5 shots into the ground where your body lays 6 feet under. I want you to feel every one of those bullets that should have blown your head off that day you walked away. I want you to regret choosing death over us. I should have killed you when I had the chance. At least then I would've known I was able to stop to you. That would've been the only way to stop you because you didn't give a damn about me or Jet. You didn't then and you probably don't now.  
  
  
  
Why? Why didn't you care? Why did you treat us like meaningless pieces of shit? Why did killing Vicious mean more to you than your own friends? Why did everything seem more important than me and Jet? Why, Spike? Why? Spike, I am at such a loss as to what the hell was going through your retarded brain when you left us in the dust and rode off into the sunset. Why did you have to play hero and run off into that god damned sunset? What the hell is your reasoning?  
  
  
  
I'm quickly running out of words and these tears are coming faster and faster. I think the pillow is the best place for those right now.  
  
  
  
With your bizarre way of thinking Spike, I'm probably wrong about everything I have said. And I hope I am. I hope we meant more to you than shit.  
  
Faye  
  
  
  
- And I wanted  
  
- You turned away  
  
- You don't remember  
  
- But I do  
  
- You never even tried  
  
  
  
did you like? yes? no? maybe so? ahhh yes, that song was fuel's hemorrhage (in my hands) only excerpts, mind you. the WHOLE song just didn't fit well enough! i really really hoped you liked it!! 


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